Final Reflection - Madeleine Perko

I took this assignment as a serious opportunity to dig deep and put my thoughts on paper... so be prepared this is a pretty candid post, but one that I am proud to share :)

If there is anything that I have learned over the past year, is that normal probably isn’t in the cards for me… I don’t say that to complain, I'm just being realistic.

When I think back to the most normal periods of my life, they all seem to take place during my early childhood. I think of spending summers at my grandparents house with my cousin and partner in crime, Doug. I think of early morning back to back swim-team and tennis practices. I think back to my maroon soccer uniform and getting my hands and mouth sticky with halftime orange slices… It would take me a thousand words to begin and describe the wholehearted peace I feel when I reflect back on those memories. I think starting in 6th grade, when I got a concussion, my life has become progressively less “normal”; less peaceful. Even though those early childhood memories are spotted with frustration and all kinds of imperfection, there is a quality of peace and consistency that elevates the good and the bad of those memories.

When I think to more recent times, I find myself shaking my head at the shit-show that transpired. I mean you really can’t make this stuff up.

Going into NU.in Greece I was terrified. I was fresh off of a non-mutual breakup with my boyfriend of three years. I had still not recovered from the year prior death of my friend, and I felt completely alone as the only person that significantly remained in my life after her death was my now ex. On top of that, this was freshman year part 2… at the time I left for Greece I seriously questioned whether college was right for me. My time at University of Richmond was probably the most isolating experience of my life. I eventually elected to leave U of R for health reasons, both physical and mental reasons. So, going to Greece was scary to say the least. The most haunting question of all though, was, “What if I can’t do this alone?”

Turns out I can. After my serious concussion in middle school, then the emergence of my chronic illness, extensions I needed throughout high school in order to compensate for my health issue flares, the dependence I developed on my high school boyfriend that intensified after my friend died, the failed semester I had as a freshman at the University of Richmond, and more, all compounded to convince me I needed others in order to be not just be successful, but to be okay and healthy. It took going to Greece feeling completely alone to start to prove to myself that was far from the truth. In Greece, I became immersed in the culture, my new life, my new routine and invested myself in new people and a new me.

Of course the fantasy of being in Greece had to come to an end. I didn’t get an extended VISA so right after the fall semester ended I had to return home to Boston. I experienced culture shock upon my return and resented being home. The feeling I had resembled an uncomfortable out of body experience. I had left a boyfriend there, friends there and it felt like I left I left a part of myself in Greece too. But there was nothing I could do to go back, so I put on a brave face and tried to embrace Boston until I could return to Greece, my friends, and my boyfriend in the summer.

Long story short, I worked through winter break trying to make enough money to pay for a plane ticket for my Greek boyfriend to visit me. I did. I bought his ticket and he came. What I didn’t expect was for the truth to come out. His Greek girlfriend reached out to me and we spent 3 hours putting together the truth from the lies he spun to each of us. I left broken for a while. But then I didn’t. It turns out that this “other woman” has become one of my closest friends. In fact, since the day that she called me during spring break, we have spoken everyday.

Along the way and through this chaos I have fallen in love with people, with places, with cultures but most significantly, in losing those loves I have seen that in their absence I still remain.

I really do believe that you learn more from your failures more than you do from your successes. There were quite a few times this year where I felt that I was failing or that I was lost and alone. In quarantine that feeling has creeped up on me a few times, but I have never felt so deeply within me that I am enough and that I am not defined by what is around me. I credit this crazy unpredictable year with so many highs and lows which allowed me to finally see my self for who I am and not muddle it with who or what is around me.

So, I am really grateful for all of the chaos that was this year. It gave a lot of resolution to the insecurities I have developed since my getting my life altering concussion 8 years ago. Also, traveling abroad, coming back home, and then being thrown into quarantine along with the global community has given me perspective for how unique and yet united the world is. I realize now that I am connected to this greater global community, and that even though we are united, to some degree we each live in our own bubble. It's a perfect combination. It means that there are infinite places and opportunities for me to become immersed in a new passion, so when one blessing walks out of my life, it sucks, but the truth is I can't imagine what new blessing I'm going to walk into next as long as I just my head up and keep going.

I loved how simple my childhood was; how wholesome and how predictable. But it really doesn’t compare with the exhilarating chaos that is my new reality… and the deep peace I have found within myself as I navigate this shit-show.